"If it wasn't for you ..."

"How many times have I told you ...?"

Is there any couple alive that doesn't sometimes indulge in the blame game — finding fault in one another when something goes wrong?

Research reported in The Journal of Experimental Psychology: General (Volume 138, 2009) revealed that people credit others far more often for "negative" events — what we call blaming — than for "positive" events. Why might this be?

Some psychologists believe that the blame game is what we do to avoid the difficult feelings that accompany "negative" events. While "positive" events trigger easier-to-handle feelings — glad, satisfied, relieved, joyful — "negative" events trigger feelings most of us would rather avoid: upset, sad, hurt, afraid. By angrily blaming, we make our spouse the main event rather than experience our own painful feelings. Here are some examples:

• In the car, my spouse hits a patch of ice and we skid off the road, hitting the guardrail. It's easier to blame him for driving carelessly than to feel fear, upset and powerlessness over what just happened.
• Returning from vacation, we notice that the garden flowers have died for lack of water. It's easier to blame my spouse for not setting the sprinkler system correctly than to feel sadness and upset at the loss of the plants I worked so hard to install.
• The oven conks out in the middle of preparing the Thanksgiving turkey. It's easier to blame my spouse for recommending we purchase the lower priced appliance than to feel upset and helpless, worried that we won't have a way of feeding 20 holiday guests.

When we're unwilling to experience our difficult feelings, it becomes easier to point an angry finger at someone else — often our spouse. So the next time you hear yourself blaming your sweetie, pause and reflect: What's up with me? What am I feeling behind my angry cloak of blame?

And the next time the finger of blame is pointing at you, find a moment to gently and kindly ask your spouse: Are you feeling anything else besides your anger with me?

You can send flowers. You can send chocolates. You can send a text.

A text?

Who would have thought that texting could be an effective way for spouses to express affection, to convey "I'm thinking of you"? So much of the time, we hear and read about modern technology coming between us. Apparently, it doesn't always have to be that way.

Research reported in Family Relations (April, 2011) noted that in a study of married couples, the single most common use of texting between spouses was for the expression of affection. What a great concept during these over-scheduled times, when spending thirty seconds sending a caring message can truly promote relationship closeness. Consider these approaches:

• Snap a photo of something you see that you think your partner would enjoy. Send it as a text with a thoughtful message.
• Surprise your spouse in the middle of the day with a few texted words of love and affection.
• Photograph your lips in a mirror, and text the image over with the words "Consider yourself kissed." (Keep the photo on your device and re-use it from time to time. After a while, omit the text — the image speaks for itself.)
• Text unique abbreviations that are shared only between the two of you. For example, ILYCD (translation: I love your cute dimples).
• Use your imagination ... the possibilities are endless.

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(EDITOR'S NOTE: A reader emailed us after last month's Tip, Husbands: Warm It Up. He suggests that despite research failing to find a positive effect on husbands' heart health from wives' "warming it up," it wouldn't hurt for wives to practice this attribute anyway. We thank this reader for a wise and sensible addendum.)

"You may be the love of my life," said the husband, "but I feel really upset when you ____."

How's that for an opening?

Researchers have long known that physical health can be negatively impacted by the stress of fighting within a marriage. Our relationships seem to have the power to literally make us sick. It's not surprising, then, that some warmth from hubby during an argument can make a difference in a wife's health — her heart health, to be precise.

A study out of the University of Utah (Psychosomatic Medicine, 1999, volume 61) found that women at highest risk for evidence of heart disease were those whose spouses offered no signs of warmth during times of conflict. The guys whose approach was icy cold — as though competing in a debate tournament or arguing across a conference room table — had the power to hurt their wife's heart health as much as if the women had been smokers or suffered from high cholesterol.

(It's an effect that's been found to hold true for women, not for men.*)

So partners of women, take note: expand your fair fight skills by injecting some warmth into those tense and conflictual moments. (And women: remind your partners when they forget. "Can you warm it up a bit, please?")

Here are some ways to insert warmth into arguments:

• Include words of endearment. "Sweetheart, that's not how I remember it."
• Make room for positives. "You're very generous with my parents, but what you said to them tonight really upset me."
• One gesture speaks volumes. "Are you kidding me?" he said, playfully nudging her foot with his as they sat together on the couch, arguing.
• Add humor. "I may move like a hippopotamus, but do you have to speak so harshly when I step on your toes when we're dancing?"

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*Does this apply in lesbian relationships? We don't have the research to know, but no harm in assuming that the attribute of warmth makes a difference regardless of the sex of a woman's partner.