Remember the quiet ache the first time you left your little one with a babysitter, or at daycare, or at school that first day? It's as tough for parents to loosen the emotional umbilical cord as it is for our youngsters, but we do it because we know we must — so they can grow and develop in many important ways.

But we modern parents have shortened that emotional umbilical and the kids are paying a price. How have we done so? Through the cell phone!

Since the advent of cell phones, our children are more connected to us than ever; they've lost some of the psychological breathing room apart from mom and dad that's a vital component of growing up. Nowadays, our sons and daughters dial us any time day or night for instant help, comfort, or advice. It's hard to find a parent — mothers in particular — who doesn't always answer the phone (or respond to a text) when they see that the caller/sender is one of the kids. We've turned the cell phone into a kind of security blanket for our children when relinquishing that blanket would serve them better.

Perhaps it's no coincidence that in the twenty years since cell phones have become ubiquitous, the incidence of student anxiety on college campuses has increased dramatically and continues to grow. Campus counseling centers can't keep up with the demand for services. Psychologists speculate that as a result of the cell phone-as-security blanket phenomenon, two essential capacities aren't developing in our kids at the pace seen in past generations:

• The development of problem-solving skills. When a son can instantly enlist mom or dad's help when something goes wrong, he doesn't have to figure out what to do — on his own — after discovering that he forgot his lunchbox in the dash out the door this morning, or after his homework sheet got trampled when it slipped out of the folder on the bus, or when the annoying younger sibling refuses to go to bed during an older sibling's babysitting gig. These and countless other challenging moments are when today's youth reach for the phone — and a devoted parent offers a solution. For generations past, the child would have done his own problem-solving, weighing pros and cons, trying one thing or another, developing his own problem-solving ability.
• The development of the self-soothing capacity. When a daughter faced with ordinary childhood adversity receives instant comfort and assurance from a parent via the cell phone, she doesn't have to learn how to soothe herself. She becomes dependent on mom or dad rather than her own inner resources to calm herself, to gain perspective, to think her way through an unsettling moment, even to contact a friend (which, as a source of support, makes developmental sense as kids get older and the peer group's influence appropriately competes with — even overshadows — mom or dad).

Both parent and child are part of this high tech dance. If you're a parent who immediately responds when your children call or text, ask yourself, what's in it for you? Does your instant availability help you think of yourself as a good parent? Does the cell phone promote a false sense of security about your child's safety in the world? Has immediate responsiveness come to be — for you — a symbol of unconditional love? Take care that your own needs not inadvertently keep your children clinging far too long to a security blanket that might have been retired years ago.

Has it ever been harder to get our kids' attention? What chance do we have going up against their computer or iPod or handheld device? The solution some parents have discovered is the long car ride.

If you're willing to insist that your youngsters sometimes unplug themselves for at least 20 minutes while you're in the car together, it's amazing what you can learn about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences — in other words, about their lives.

The long car ride has two advantages over most every other place when it comes to promoting parent-child conversation: (1) our children are captive for the duration of the journey; they can't simply walk out of the room, and (2) we're not face-to-face with one other, feeling intimidated by direct eye contact. Our kids can't easily witness the hint of dismay across our brow when they let slip something we don't like, and we don't have to observe them sneer at our dorky comments or boring questions.

So the next time your child needs a ride across town, make a deal: I'll give you a ride if we can sit quietly and just daydream out the window with no distractions. Once you're in the car and a few boredom-breaking words have been uttered about something on his or her mind, the smart thing to say is: tell me more.* Say it once, twice, again and again if your goal is to find yourself a front row seat to your son or daughter's life. Don't slow the flow of words by prematurely critiquing, fixing, advising, or preaching. There's time for that later, if you need to go there at all. In the meantime, sit back and listen.

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If you're a partnered parent, call the children into the room the next time the two of you slip into an argument. "Kids, we're having an argument and we want you to watch, listen and learn."

If this suggestion sends shivers down your spine, know you're in good company. "We try not to fight in front of the kids" are words uttered by tens of millions of moms and dads.

Truth is, few of us are proud of our conflict resolution skills. Few of us feel confident that we "fair fight" the way we should — respectfully, and in a way that produces a positive outcome. That's why we try to do it behind closed doors, or when the kids are out of earshot. Problem is, how will children learn to fight effectively if they're not watching us do it the right way?

So if you're not quite ready to hustle the kids into a front row seat when you and your partner go at it, resolve this year to do something about it. Resolve to read a book, take a class or meet with a relationship counselor for the express purpose of fine-tuning your fair fighting skills. Think of it as a gift to the children that will pay dividends throughout their lifetimes — not to mention a gift to yourself.

In the meantime, start now showing the kids that you:

• Avoid swearing at each other during an argument. (Obscenity — whether aimed at one another or not — raises the emotional pitch of the argument, and that makes it harder for the logical mind to operate at its best. Good outcomes rely on the logical mind.)
• Avoid words that insult or diminish ("You idiot!" "You're crazy!")
• Avoid acts or gestures of physical aggression (like punching the wall, or, worse, hitting each other). Physical aggression always triggers fear, and fear scrambles the logical mind.
• Don't "hit below the belt," saying things you know touch a particularly tender and painful nerve in your spouse, triggering an emotional meltdown.
• Say "foul" if your partner violates these guidelines, and either start over again or take a time-out.
• Agree to disagree if you can't resolve the matter; show the kids that arguments don't always need a "winner."
• End the argument on a positive note — a hug, a handshake, at least a smile (see Family Tip of the Month — May 2010). To the kids, a positive ending matters most of all (and they learn not to be afraid of conflict.)