Consider Katherine, age 46, who during the past few years has begun finding sexual intercourse painful. She's found herself creating obstacles to her husband's advances: "The children are still awake." "I just want to finish this television program." "I haven't shaved my legs in a while." By now, this couple hasn't engaged in sex for 18 months, and though Katherine loves her husband very much, she notices that the pain that accompanies intercourse, or the fear of the pain — they have blurred at this point — keeps them from enjoying the physical and emotional intimacy they once shared. Katherine is desperate to reconnect with her husband, but she's unaccustomed to speaking frankly about sex — with her husband or anyone. Now she's lost as to how to proceed.
While surfing online, Katherine discovers in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (January, 2011) the report of a large-scale study that found that a substantial number of women enjoyed greater sexual pleasure and satisfaction when they used either a water- or silicone-based lubricant (when compared to sexual activity without a lubricant). Symptoms such as pain were significantly less likely to occur when lubricant was used. Most often, women applied lubricant to their own fingers or genitals, or to their partner's genitals.
Despite some blushing and anxiety while reading the research, Katherine recognizes that the article might be an entry into a pivotal conversation with her husband. She prints it out, brews a pot of coffee, takes a deep breath and presents it to her husband while he reads the Sunday paper at the kitchen table. It leads to a positive conversation that assures him she does in fact desire a sexual relationship with him, and wishes to find ways to make that happen.
The path to improving a sexual relationship can twist and turn through thorny regions; combing through research journals isn't for everyone. But knowing better can lead to doing better, and that's where sex therapists come in. They can be a great help in educating ourselves about the complex area of sexual functioning. Pain during intercourse can require more answers than what lubricant alone can provide but lubricant may be a place to start — and a way to begin the conversation.
If you and/or your partner experience pain during sexual activity that has diminished your physical and emotional connection, print and share this tip. Whether or not lubricant is a part of the solution, you will feel glad and empowered when you jump-start a dialogue about this important aspect of your relationship life.