Better Than Before
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution." — Mae West
You don't have to be a classic film star to offer a quip about marriage. Seems we all have an opinion — light-hearted or otherwise — about its challenges, heartaches and joys.
And yet, what is it about marriage that keeps the institution alive, despite stories of marital conflict and disappointment?
Apart from what we're learning about our species' instinctive need to find secure attachment, many of us want more. We want to feel that our lives are fuller, that we ourselves are "better" than we were before. You may have felt in the early days of courtship that your life suddenly was more interesting, more fulfilling; you sensed that your life was enriched.
Research reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (December, 1995) found that the more married people experience themselves growing and stretching beyond where they are — what's called self-expansion — the more satisfying and meaningful they report their marriages to be. Growing and stretching might include such enriching dimensions as being favorably influenced by a spouse to eat healthier or exercise more, to expand one's interests in films or books, to try sports or travel that may have been off the radar. Here are some ways to keep yourself open for self-expansion in your relationship:
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Suggest new experiences, whether new to the both of you or just new to your partner.
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Invite your spouse to propose new experiences to you, and stay open to suggestions even when your first reaction is to resist.
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Ask friends if you can join them for activities they pursue that you and your partner never experienced together.
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Think outside the box when you're making weekend or holiday plans.
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If you have older teens or young adult children, ask them to suggest an experience they know you've never tried, and give it a shot.
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Share things with each other that you've learned at your workplace; listen with an open mind as a way of expanding your interests or your knowledge base.
Don't conclude that your marriage is all it can be before putting it to the self-expansion test. Think about whether the relationship has allowed you to grow and stretch. If not, make that one of your goals.