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"You may be the love of my life," said the husband, "but I feel really upset when you ____."

January 01, 2012

How's that for an opening?

Researchers have long known that physical health can be negatively impacted by the stress of fighting within a marriage. Our relationships seem to have the power to literally make us sick. It's not surprising, then, that some warmth from hubby during an argument can make a difference in a wife's health — her heart health, to be precise.

A study out of the University of Utah (Psychosomatic Medicine, 1999, volume 61) found that women at highest risk for evidence of heart disease were those whose spouses offered no signs of warmth during times of conflict. The guys whose approach was icy cold — as though competing in a debate tournament or arguing across a conference room table — had the power to hurt their wife's heart health as much as if the women had been smokers or suffered from high cholesterol.

(It's an effect that's been found to hold true for women, not for men.*)

So partners of women, take note: expand your fair fight skills by injecting some warmth into those tense and conflictual moments. (And women: remind your partners when they forget. "Can you warm it up a bit, please?")

Here are some ways to insert warmth into arguments:

  • Include words of endearment. "Sweetheart, that's not how I remember it."

  • Make room for positives. "You're very generous with my parents, but what you said to them tonight really upset me."

  • One gesture speaks volumes. "Are you kidding me?" he said, playfully nudging her foot with his as they sat together on the couch, arguing.

  • Add humor. "I may move like a hippopotamus, but do you have to speak so harshly when I step on your toes when we're dancing?"

References & Citations

*Does this apply in lesbian relationships? We don't have the research to know, but no harm in assuming that the attribute of warmth makes a difference regardless of the sex of a woman's partner.