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Say “Ouch”

February 28, 2011

In the television series Parenthood, Adam tells his younger, more relationship-challenged brother that every morning he utters “I’m sorry” three times to his wife, whether or not he’s done anything to hurt her. Is Adam on to something here?

Research published in Psychological Science (September 30, 2010) reveals that men apologize less often than women. Why? Apparently, men less often believe they’ve done anything that needs an apology. However, when men come to recognize they’ve erred, they apologize as frequently as women do.

It’s a study that reminds us — men and women both — of the importance of saying
“ouch.”

Typically, when we’re on the receiving end of insensitive or mean-spirited words or deeds — whether intentional or accidental — our “fight or flight” hard wiring kicks in: we fight back or pull away. It seems to be a natural human response when our sense of well-being and security is threatened — especially in our primary relationship.

Most of us opt for “fight”: we grab our verbal sword and shield and vent anger. We shoot back sharp words of our own and raise our voice in protest. That response predictably triggers our spouse’s own hard wiring — now we’re both feeling threatened — and the duel is on! Back and forth the harsh words fly. (Some of us favor “flight” rather than “fight”: we get quiet and withdraw while our emotional wounds simmer inside.)

The aforementioned research underscores the importance of letting a spouse know when we've been emotionally injured in some way — when we’re feeling hurt or disappointed or embarrassed or scared. It’s all too easy, when we show only our anger, for our spouse to miss the boat; anger tends not to convey the emotional wound or distress at play.

When angry, we appear tough and strong; we don’t look like someone smarting. It takes saying: “ouch”:

  • I’m feeling hurt right now.
  • I’m feeling embarrassed by what you said.
  • I’m feeling upset by what you did.

These are the words our partner needs to hear. Anger tends to drown out the core feelings underpinning our pain.

There’s a kind of paradox here: Just when we want to protect ourselves from further injury, the smart response is to be vulnerable and expose our emotional wounds: “Ouch!” It’s the only way to let a partner know what’s really happened. And it’s far more likely to elicit caring and compassion — and a heartfelt apology — than when we reach for our sword and shield.