How Narcissistic Relationship Dynamics Masquerade as Love
Imagine you just met someone. You feel it in your stomach – this one feels different! And you hope this person feels the same way!
I’ve never felt this way about anyone.
Ah! This person does feel this something with you!
You begin to go on dates. You feel desired. First dates are so lovely – homemade dinners, strolls around the local museums, concerts, and even a weekend away.
This person is very curious about you and asks lot of questions. You find yourself divulging information you notice you don’t quickly share. This person must really be one to trust!
You’re my person—my best friend, my home. I can’t imagine my life without you. How has no one snagged you up yet!?
Wow – this feels different.
No one will ever love you like I do, and I just want to protect what we have. When we’re apart, it feels wrong—like we’re incomplete.
I’ve never imagined a future with anyone – but with you, I already see it!
When you’re at work, you feel your new partner longing to be with you.
What are you doing after work? I want to see you!
You receive messages frequently throughout the day.
You notice you’re starting to schedule your days around being available for your new partner. You begin to cancel on friends – the time with your new partner is intoxicating! You cannot get enough – and plus, your friends will understand that this love!
You promise your friends you will see them on Saturday. You go to dinner with them…and your phone keeps going off.
I miss you! It is so weird to not be with you tonight! I can’t wait for you to be home.
You smile – he misses you.
An hour later, you receive another message:
You’re still out? It’s late. I’m worried about you getting home safe. Come home soon?
You notice your heart drop – you remember the last time you went to coffee with a friend, and your partner was upset when you came home. After all, you’re just starting to date – it is natural to want to spend time together.
You tell your friends you need to get going and head home to your partner.
When you get home, you ask to talk with your partner about wanting to be able to balance time to be able to see your friends.
I just really like you – you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever dated before. Is it wrong that I just want to spend time with you?
You freeze. Freezing is often the body’s first response to relational threat—especially when connection feels at stake. You don’t want your partner to doubt your feelings! You acquiesce and the next invite from your friends, you decline. Afterall, this could be the one!
Does this sound familiar?
While these behaviors may appear innocuous in isolation, within narcissistic relationship dynamics they constitute love bombing—a pattern designed to establish emotional dependency and control.
All-consuming love feels intoxicating because it promises devotion, but its currency is compliance—not mutuality. These messages feel like love, but they are not.
A helpful way to reality-check intensity is to compare it to the hallmarks of secure love.
Secure love does not require constant communication.
Secure love does not require every moment together.
Secure love does not create fear for sharing how we feel.
Secure love wants to see us connect with our friends and engage in our lives!
Secure love expands our world.
Secure love encourages independence.
Secure love deepens connection without demanding self-erasure; it allows closeness and autonomy to coexist.
If parts of this feel familiar, pause. Not to judge yourself or your relationship—but to get curious. Intensity is not the same as intimacy, and discomfort is often the first signal that something important is happening inside you.
Consider gently asking yourself, with compassionate curiosity:
- Do I feel more connected—or more constrained—over time?
- Am I shrinking parts of my life to maintain this relationship?
- Do I feel safe expressing my needs without fear of withdrawal, guilt, or retaliation?
If these questions create unease, you don’t have to navigate it on your own. While friends and loved ones often mean well, they may unintentionally minimize or misinterpret controlling dynamics as “just love.” Reaching out today to a therapist or other trained support professional can help you clarify what you’re experiencing and reconnect with your own internal signals.
Healthy, secure love does not require you to silence yourself to keep the connection.
