Tips of the Month — Couples

Has your partner in a heated moment ever said something harsh or demeaning of you and suddenly you fire back with sharp, angry words of your own?   Has your partner, in a social gathering, ever revealed to friends something about you that you regarded as very personal and you turn silent, quietly simmering with anger? 

If you and your partner are clever enough to commit to a regular date night, take note of this: couples who engage together in novel experiences have been found to enjoy an enhanced sense of well-being compared to couples attached to their tried and true.  

It’s never easy finding the balance between accepting versus complaining about the things that give us a hard time in our partner. But complain we must, occasionally and with kindness, lest a growing reservoir of irritation spill over its banks.  Here are some examples of complaints expressed well: 

It’s not the grand birthday gift or the surprise weekend getaway that form the foundation of the best relationships. No, it’s how partners respond to the endless stream of small, everyday moments when, consciously or not, we “invite” our partner’s interest.

What does the brain find more stimulating? Twenty uninterrupted minutes chatting with a spouse, or twenty minutes checking email, surfing websites, receiving texts, and glancing up occasionally to follow the action on the flat screen television? 

You’re waiting at a busy downtown intersection, meeting your partner for lunch. Ten minutes have passed, fifteen…twenty minutes and no call, no text — nothing. She arrives after thirty minutes, cool calm and collected. Seeing the vexed look on your face, she asks what’s wrong. And within moments, you’re locked in a debate over the original plans, back and forth in a verbal tug-of-war over what time you’d agreed to rendezvous. Each of you remembers it differently; each of you…

In the television series Parenthood, which ended its run eight years ago, the character of Adam tells his younger, more relationship-challenged brother that every morning he utters “I’m sorry” three times to his wife, whether or not he’s aware of having done anything to hurt her. He sees it as a kind of insurance policy against the inevitable injuries of married life. And he seems to understand how easy it is to trigger a partner’s hurt feelings — even accidentally, without…

What has the power to knock any relationship off its rails?  Shame. When shame stirs within a partner, conversations that were going along nicely can go haywire. Partners turn angry, even rageful, or withdraw into silence, even leave the room.