Tips of the Month — Couples

It’s never easy finding the balance between accepting versus complaining about the things that give us a hard time in our partner. But complain we must, occasionally and with kindness, lest a growing reservoir of irritation spill over its banks.  Here are some examples of complaints expressed well: 

It’s not the grand birthday gift or the surprise weekend getaway that form the foundation of the best relationships. No, it’s how partners respond to the endless stream of small, everyday moments when, consciously or not, we “invite” our partner’s interest.

What does the brain find more stimulating? Twenty uninterrupted minutes chatting with a spouse, or twenty minutes checking email, surfing websites, receiving texts, and glancing up occasionally to follow the action on the flat screen television? 

You’re waiting at a busy downtown intersection, meeting your partner for lunch. Ten minutes have passed, fifteen…twenty minutes and no call, no text — nothing. She arrives after thirty minutes, cool calm and collected. Seeing the vexed look on your face, she asks what’s wrong. And within moments, you’re locked in a debate over the original plans, back and forth in a verbal tug-of-war over what time you’d agreed to rendezvous. Each of you remembers it differently; each of you…

In the television series Parenthood, which ended its run eight years ago, the character of Adam tells his younger, more relationship-challenged brother that every morning he utters “I’m sorry” three times to his wife, whether or not he’s aware of having done anything to hurt her. He sees it as a kind of insurance policy against the inevitable injuries of married life. And he seems to understand how easy it is to trigger a partner’s hurt feelings — even accidentally, without…

What has the power to knock any relationship off its rails?  Shame. When shame stirs within a partner, conversations that were going along nicely can go haywire. Partners turn angry, even rageful, or withdraw into silence, even leave the room.  

Partner One: “I feel really discouraged today…” Partner Two: “Come take a walk with me, it’s a really beautiful day out.”   Partner One: “I’m so frustrated with the people at work, they spend all day complaining.” Partner Two: “You should just quit, we can get by on my salary for a while.”   Partner One: “We never hear from the kids. It bothers me that they don’t call once in a while to see how we are.” Partner Two: “They’re busy with their own lives. You shouldn’t…

Sky-high cholesterol and off-the-charts blood pressure aren't the only ways we put our health at risk. Research reported in the December, 2005 issue of Archives of General Psychiatry revealed that conflict within our primary relationship has the power to affect our physical health.