Tips of the Month for Couples are regular tips for building strong relationships and healthy families. If you would like to sign up to receive these monthly tips, scroll to the bottom of the page and leave your email address.
What if we were as generous and forgiving with our partners as we are with young children? Imagine this scene: You collect your five-year-old from school and she is immediately cranky, whiny, demanding and sour. Her face reflects her mood. Do any of these thoughts cross your mind?
If you and your partner were to create job descriptions outlining the roles you expect each other to play in your lives, how many of these boxes would you check?
Haven’t we all experienced a document suddenly disappearing from our computer desktop while working on it? Or a website freezing up and no amount of scrolling or keyboard tapping unlocks the freeze? Those are frustrating moments that can tempt us to toss the computer out the window.
If you and your partner have been sheltering in place during the pandemic, you may find yourselves around one another a lot more than you’re accustomed to. But simply spending time under the same roof doesn’t necessarily translate into meaningful or satisfying connection. Many couples are like two ships passing in the night, in close proximity but not emotionally close. Proximity can create an illusion of connection while feelings of loneliness or aloneness betray the truth.
Quarantining at home these days, it’s easy to get on each other’s nerves. We’re not at our best under the strain of grief and sadness over so much loss, fear for our health and the health of loved ones, perhaps the stress of children’s presence 24/7, unwelcome financial hardship and crises as a nation. If at times we “act out” our pain with impatience, short tempers, dark moods and unkind words, it should surprise no one.
Uncouplings surged during the month of March in China as partners, coming out of their nation’s coronavirus lockdown, filed for divorce in record numbers. “If absence makes the heart grow fonder, the opposite might be true of too much time spent together in close quarters.”i
Sometimes, we just need to vent. We need to blow off steam and get something off our chest. My supervisor drives me crazy! I could just strangle Aunt Louise! The way our kids were arguing in the car, I wanted to pull over and abandon them right there! When we’re filled with emotion following a challenging experience, conversation isn’t necessarily what we’re looking for. A partner’s advice or help doesn’t usually fit the bill. It’s compassion, empathy and a non-reactive…
When you fly, do you pay close attention to the aircraft’s take-off? Maybe not. But don’t neglect your take-off when approaching your partner with a grievance or complaint. Marriage researcher John Gottman calls it your start-up.