Attachment and Sex

Attachment seems to be all the rage these days. I work with couples who walk in the door and announce their attachment patterns immediately. So let’s start with the basics: what is an attachment pattern and why is it relevant? Attachment patterns begin in infancy and it’s generally accepted that it’s a survival strategy for infants who are completely dependent on their caregivers. As a result, infants adopt a pattern of interaction with their caregivers that is most likely to ensure their needs are met.

Attachment Theory was first developed by John Bolby, and some of the early research on attachment was undertaken by Mary Ainsworth, who developed the Strange Situation Test to assess attachment patterns in infants. Though I won’t go into the details of this study, you can read more here. It’s generally accepted that attachment patterns fall into four main categories: secure, insecure avoidant, insecure ambivalent or anxious, and disorganized.

At this point, you must be wondering why we are talking about infants’ attachment in an article that has “sex” in the title. If you are, then you’re on the right track. Attachment patterns from childhood become templates for adult attachment in relationships (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). In other words, if you attached securely to your caregivers, then you are more likely to attach securely to your partner. This has further implications for sex.

According to research by Kristen Mark et. al (2018), individuals with insecure attachment, especially avoidant attachment, have lower levels of relationship and sexual satisfaction. The authors of the study believe that folks with avoidant attachment styles have lower sexual satisfaction due to behavioral patterns of avoiding intimacy, focusing on self-reliance, and distress with closeness. This is true of both heterosexual couples and couples with diverse sexualities. The findings hold true across gender as well. I imagine at this point, some of you may be going down a rabbit hole of questions about what to do with this information and what it might mean to have an insecure attachment style.

First and foremost, remember that attachment patterns are just that: patterns. And patterns can be changed. The work of Daniel Brown and David Elliott show that by creating an “ideal parent” internal working model, folks can develop a secure base of attachment. This is where therapy can be helpful. In addition, therapy can help couples navigate attachment patterns in a more secure way. Sue Johnson developed Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, which is rooted in attachment theory, as a way to improve the way that couples relate to each other.

There are a handful of good books geared towards the general public on attachment as well, including: “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You And Keep Love” by Levin & Heller, “Secure Relating: Holding Your Own In An Insecure World” by Marriott & Kelly, “Secure Love: Create A Relationship That Lasts A Lifetime” by Julie Manno, and “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson.

It’s easy to hear the word “secure” in the context of attachment and think of it as superior in some way. In reality, these words simply describe patterns and the patterns give us information about ourselves. It’s up to us to use that information to our benefit, rather than judge it. In using this information, we have the chance to have more satisfying sex and relationships.