"Codependent."
It's a term frequently used to explain why someone remains in a difficult relationship, prioritizes another person's needs, suppresses their own feelings, or struggles to leave.
But what if the label tells us less than we think?
What if, instead of helping us understand the behavior, it causes us to overlook the context in which it developed?
What happened that made this necessary?
A child who learns that needs lead to criticism.
A spouse who learns that disagreement leads to retaliation.
A partner who learns that autonomy is met with punishment, withdrawal, or intimidation.
In each case, what appears to be "self-abandonment" may actually represent adaptation to a relational environment.
In each case, what is learned is that embracing the self is a threat:
I can be myself, or I can have connection, but I cannot have both.
This tension is not a character flaw.
It is not evidence of weakness.
It is a survival response that comes at a cost.
And the cost is the self.
We chronically doubt ourselves, minimize our needs, struggle to even know (or remember!) that we have needs, become overly responsible for how others are feeling. We feel guilty if we even try to do something for ourselves. We struggle to know who we are, what we want, and what we don’t want. We learn to disconnect from ourselves for the sake of connection.
Yet this cost of the self is often viewed not as a response to an environment, but as evidence of a problem within the individual.
The risk is that codependency can become an explanation that ends the conversation rather than beginning it. It can inadvertently shift attention toward the individual while obscuring the dynamics they are being asked to navigate, endure, or even survive.
In doing so, it can reinforce the very dilemma that developed within the relationship:
I can be myself, or I can have connection, but I cannot have both.
And if that isn't working, the problem must be me.
When these dynamics are understood contextually, compassionate curiosity enters the conversation. The self is invited back in. And with it comes the recognition that authenticity is often treated as a choice when, for many people, it has never felt safe enough to be one.
We should be careful not to mistake the outcome of a relational dynamic for the cause of it.
Before asking why someone abandoned themselves, it may be worth asking what happened when they tried not to.
Further Reading:
If this topic resonates with you, I highly recommend Fawning by Dr. Ingrid Clayton. The book offers a thoughtful exploration of how self-abandonment can develop as a survival response within relationships and the process of reconnecting with oneself.
