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What trips up couples? Poor communication, overworked spouses, the stress of raising children, financial pressures — these are what typically come to mind. But one culprit often goes unmentioned: a partner’s history of childhood sexual abuse. Some studies estimate that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men have been subjected to sexual abuse as youngsters.

We have two brains — one that can get us into trouble, and one that can get us out.

It happens all the time with our partner: the wish to win the argument, to Be Right, without regard for collateral damage. But too often, my personal “win” becomes a “loss” for us. Despite my victory, we’re feeling disconnected, no closer than when the argument began.

In this text exchange, the responder might be playful … or angry … or indifferent — we can’t know for sure. That’s because all we see are the words; we don’t hear emotion.

Of all the darker human emotions — sad, angry, afraid, hurt, disappointed, jealous, etc. — there’s only one that’s always toxic, only one that’s sure to wreak havoc on our relationships. Perhaps because of its toxicity, it’s the emotion least understood or talked about: shame.

Have you ever found yourself bickering with your partner over what really happened? Debating your version versus mine? How easily we forget that there are always two realities at play: objective reality and emotional reality.

In this study, participants whose parents had divorced had more negative attitudes toward marriage, more positive attitudes toward divorce, and in general a weaker commitment to marriage than participants whose parents hadn't divorced.

Studies reveals that couples who get their tough conversations and arguments "off the ground" poorly face a surprisingly high likelihood of divorce. What gets them into trouble? The harsh start-up. It's when the opening lines of a complaint feature a hostile tone and raised voice, put-downs, disdain or contempt for a spouse's traits — all the ways we trigger hurt and fear, along with the defensiveness that follows.

Research conducted by psychologist Arthur Aron, PhD, and reported in The New York Times (February 12, 2008), reveals that new experiences trigger the release of norepinephrine and dopamine, two brain chemicals that stimulate feelings of pleasure.

Sky-high cholesterol and off-the-charts blood pressure aren't the only ways we put our health at risk. Research out of Ohio State University and reported in the December, 2005 issue of Archives of General Psychiatry revealed that certain levels of marital conflict were associated with the body's ability to heal itself.