How to take stock of the relationships in your life: a short guide

February is a month when many of us reflect on our relationships. Although these reflections typically center around relationships that are romantic in nature, it can be just as fruitful to take inventory of all the important relationships in our lives.

Research continues to demonstrate that having satisfying relationships is one of the most important ingredients to living a fulfilling life (Waldinger & Schulz, 2023). Not only do satisfying relationships make us happier, they also make us physically healthier. Longitudinal studies have demonstrated that people who feel connected to others in meaningful ways are less likely to experience depression, stroke, dementia, and are more likely to live longer (Holt-Lunstad, 2022).

In a nutshell, our relationships matter deeply. So, in the spirit of a month often centered around love and connection, let us take an intentional moment to reflect on the people in our lives whom we appreciate and care for. Consider this seven-step guide as a way to support your reflections.

Step 1. Make a list of the relationships that matter most to you

Your first task is to make a list of the most important relationships in your life. This can be anyone in your life with whom you have a fulfilling connection: family members, partners, friends, coworkers, neighbors, someone in your community or club, or even the local grocer. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship it is, only that it means something to you!

Next, pick a few relationships to focus in on as you continue the guide.

Step 2. Consider this reflection question: How have I been showing up for this person lately?

Consider the ways in which you have or have not shown up for this person lately. “Showing up” can look a multitude of ways and can take different forms. For example, showing up can be done via accepting an invitation to get together, checking-in on someone, initiating conversation or a meetup, sending a funny meme or video, helping with an errand or task, or just communicating that you are thinking of someone.

Don’t beat yourself up if you realize you haven’t been able to show up for others. Life is busy, and it’s inevitable that our capacity to show up for others will fluctuate from time to time. This is merely meant to be a point of reflection.

Step 3. Take action if needed

If you recognize that you would like to dedicate more time to a relationship in your life, the next step is to figure out what this will look like. It doesn’t necessarily need to be an elaborate plan; it simply could be committing to being more intentional in the relationship. You may prefer to be more specific in your intention, such as setting a goal to send a check-in text to a friend by the end of the week, calling your mom within the next few days, committing to carving out more time for conversation next time you bump into a coworker, or dropping off a baked good for a neighbor next time you have extra free time.

Step 4. Consider this reflection question: How have they been showing up for me lately?

Ideally, our relationships are reciprocal, meaning we show up for people and they show up for us too. With that being said, this balance can be complex, and it certainly isn’t a perfect science. For example, in some seasons of life, we might need to show up more for others than they’re able to show up for us and vice versa. As mentioned earlier, life is an active, consistent journey of ups and downs, and our capacities are always in flux.

Even with that in mind, the truth is that sometimes we are longing for more from our relationships. We want the people in our lives to initiate more, reach out more frequently, take a deeper interest in our lives, or offer more practical support. When this is the case, it’s important to take an honest look at what feels off or imbalanced. It’s understandable if reflecting in this light brings up unpleasant emotions such as anger, hurt, or anxiety, so be gentle with yourself and try your best not to avoid your lived experiences.

Step 5. Take action if needed

Although we can hope the people in our lives are trying their best to be there for us, there are many instances in which it is our responsibility to invite them into more support. We can’t fully assume people know how we feel unless we tell them. This will likely require explicit communication on our part, meaning we can be respectfully honest about where we feel a lack of connection. Some general examples of what this can look like:

• “Hey, I know you’ve had a lot on your plate lately and I hope we can find more time to connect and catch up soon.”
• “Hey, I just wanted to share something, I know it might sound a little random, but when you didn’t check up on me after my father passed, I was disappointed. I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but I really needed you.”
• “Hey, I wanted to get something off my chest and I hope it makes sense. I feel like I am consistently the person who is reaching out trying to organize get-togethers and it would be nice if we could both share that responsibility moving forward. Sometimes it’s hard being the one who is always doing the planning.”

Now, these are just general ideas. It’s important that when you are inviting someone into more support, you use language that resonates with you. Also, there are no hard-and-fast rules in terms of how to have these conversations. Feel free to use the platform that works best for your relationship, whether that’s via phone call, text, in person, or otherwise.

Step 6. Consider this reflection question: How is the depth of our connection?

The type of connection we feel in our relationships matters because it gives us a perceived sense of fulfillment within the relationship. Picture “depth” like an iceberg. The tip of the iceberg suggests a more shallow connection, and the further down the iceberg you go, the deeper the scope of connection becomes.

It’s important to note that there is no one right level of connection. Deeper does not always mean better. This step is merely intended to provide a moment to reflect on the depth of connection and see if there is any desire to shift levels. Sometimes in our relationships, we desire more depth. This could look like wanting to open up more in our relationship, share more vulnerable parts of ourselves and our lives, and have that deeper sense of openness reciprocated by the other person.

Although this is a less common scenario, sometimes we actually desire less depth. This can look like wishing conversations were less intense and perhaps more “surface level” or casual. Again, deeper does not always mean better or more connecting. Consider these general reflection questions:

• In general, do I wish that we went deeper in our conversations? 
• In general, do I wish that we went more surface level in our conversations?
• Or does the level of depth feel balanced right now?

Step 7. Take action if needed

Similar to Step 5, it may benefit us to take explicit action as it relates to the depth of connection within our relationships. This may be especially useful if we have been hoping the depth would shift for a while and things feel stagnant. How we take action may vary, but these are some ideas to get you started:

• Intentionally try to change topics (either opening up and moving toward deeper topics or, inversely, moving toward lighter topics).
• Suggest activities that might help promote the level of depth you’re looking for (for example, scheduling a dinner to help encourage deeper topics or, inversely, going to the movies to encourage more casual conversation).
• Explicitly broach your thoughts through conversation and welcome open dialogue.

Closing thoughts

Our relationships have the potential to positively shape our lives. They can serve as the foundation from which we move through the world, experience fulfillment, and see ourselves as good and worthy people.

Relationships require nourishment. We must care for them in order for them to care for us, which requires ongoing effort and energy. Consider this guide one form of nourishment. Feel free to save it for future use, as our lives and relationships are always changing, and this reflection may be helpful at another time.