The holiday season often boasts promises of togetherness; it is a time for loved ones to gather in celebration of joy, gratitude, and family. However, for many of us, this time of year tends to create more anxiety than those “warm and fuzzies,” often triggered by stress and underlying family dynamics that are conveniently brought to the surface at the dinner table. As flights are booked, road trips planned, and those physical boundaries of distance are stripped away, we are left wondering how to set and enforce healthy boundaries with family to make the holidays enjoyable, or at the very least, tolerable.
Clarify Your Intentions
Before heading into a family gathering, take a moment to think about your goals. Consider not only your needs, but also what is realistic to expect from others. For example, it may be unhelpful to assume that others will adjust their behaviors to meet your needs, and although this can be frustrating, keep in mind that you get to decide how to respond, which can also be extremely freeing. Remind yourself of what is in and outside of your control, and make a game plan for how you plan to respond beforehand. Do you aim to educate, connect, or simply get through the event without unnecessary stress?
Communicate Boundaries and Be Consistent
Clearly communicate boundaries to family members and be consistent in enforcing them. No need to over-explain your choices here – remember you do not have to justify your boundaries or explain them in a way that “sits well” with everyone. Prepare for potential pushback or initial reactions, as change feels unfamiliar and can be met with resistance. Remember that enforcing boundaries inconsistently can be confusing to those on the receiving end, and may lead to continued resistance down the line. Try to stay calm and follow through with action as best (or as much) as you can.
Permission To Say “No”
Contrary to popular belief, we are allowed to say no to things we don’t want to do! Granted, cultural or familial customs often play a role in what’s expected of us, so setting this boundary might look different from family to family. Still, finding a way to “opt out” of an environment or situation that’s causing stress can feel empowering and help create healthy habits for the future. Understand your limits and honor them, even if it feels uncomfortable in the moment.
Take Breaks
Plan to take intentional breaks throughout gatherings or consecutive days with family. Whether alone or with supportive friends or partners, use this time to recharge and do things that bring you joy. Maybe, for you, that looks like going for a walk, doing a creative activity, reading, or simply taking a nap. Create a list of stress-relieving ideas you can keep in your back pocket and refer to as needed. You are absolutely allowed to take time for yourself– you are only human! Give yourself space to process your emotions privately, without worrying about the reactions of others. Allow yourself to experience genuine feelings and reactions while remembering that these feelings hold value and importance.
Give Yourself Grace
Most importantly, allow space for self-compassion and understanding if things don’t go as planned. Prioritize your own safety above all else, even if this means that you can’t honor your boundaries as much as you’d like to this year. Navigating your own needs and how to communicate them to others can often be difficult, especially if it’s not something that’s been modeled for you before. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re allowed to struggle. And you’re allowed to put yourself first.
It is an unrealistic expectation that the holiday season should be perfect, cheerful, and enjoyable at all times. In remembering some of these strategies, whether they be conflict prevention-based or simply ways to cope with family gatherings, you can better understand your needs and how to navigate this often-difficult season. Boundaries are neither created nor adhered to overnight, but with practice, patience, and grace with yourself and others, you can start toward the dynamic you want to see, and hopefully, sleep a little easier. And, if all else fails, there’s always next year to try again.
