What does it mean to be a father? Is it to stand tall in the face of adversity? Suck it up when things are hard? Smile through pain? Refuse to lose at all costs? Provide for yourself and your family while making it look effortless? Potentially. Or could being a father mean something different, something more expansive and colorful, something that offers more space, softness, compassion, and opportunity for connection with yourself and others?
Traditional understandings of masculinity are not necessarily a bad thing. However, rigid adherence to traditional forms of masculinity has been correlated with lower well-being for men (Sánchez et al., 2009). In other words, idealized understandings of masculinity become problematic when they are treated as hardened stone rather than malleable clay.
In For the Love of Men, Liz Plank spoke to the tragedy that occurs in the strict, almost spartan socialization toward idealized forms of masculinity that boys experience. She writes, "We live in a culture that teaches boys stoicism over authenticity, dominance over empathy, and that if they don't follow their script, someone will take notice and take their 'man card' away." bell hooks also spoke to the harm done to boys and men at the hands of patriarchy. In The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, she expressed how men are often unable to be their most authentic selves due to rigid stereotypes around masculinity. Ultimately, reductive forms of masculinity require men to wear a mask, damaging those who identify as boys and men from all walks of life.
Throughout my time working with boys and men, I have always been moved by the moments when they allow themselves space to mold their own forms of masculinity, even if just for a moment. It is a courageous act to rewrite the man you want to be. A revolutionary act to live authentically in spite of how others may respond.
At the core of each male-identified individual, I believe, is a pure version of themselves where the most authentic form of their masculinity still lives. A version they might embody if there were no rules, no external or internal judgment. Connecting with that version can offer real knowledge and clarity about what is genuinely authentic to someone. As Dr. Seuss wrote in one of my favorite books, "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose." That wisdom applies to fatherhood, masculinity, and the ways one can live authentically as the father they want to be.
My dissertation explored aspects of masculinity through sport, specifically how Black men in their twenties transitioned from Division I football to post-collegiate life. Participants often described being immersed in sporting environments where constricted forms of masculinity were not only encouraged but at times crucial to survival, and for some, useful in pursuing dreams of reaching the NFL. As they shifted away from football, many experienced significant impacts on their mood, sense of well-being, and identity.
In response to that transition, research participants displayed a set of behaviors that helped them navigate the sometimes beautiful, sometimes difficult shift from college football to post-collegiate life. While post-athletic masculinity is a novel concept, I believe these lessons are equally relevant when thinking about fatherhood, love, and care of self and others.
Post-Athletic Masculinity
A reflective and open stance. A way of moving through the world rooted in reflection rather than reactivity.
A communal approach. An openness toward community and cultivating new relationships.
An authentic style of living. An approach to life rooted in authenticity rather than performance.
A life driven by values. Moving through the world with your values leading the way.
Father's Day Challenge
When you can, go outside, touch grass, and ask yourself these questions:
Q1: This Father's Day, what are you proud of yourself for?
Q2: When looking back over your life, what would your 9-year-old self say about the person you are today, the father or parent you have become?
Q3: Write down one self-care activity you will do for yourself today (go on a walk, see the lake, read, rest).
Q4: Write down one emotion you have noticed today and why you felt it.
Q5: Write down three to five things you are grateful for.
