When a Friend Hurts You: Coping With Friendship Betrayal

Our relationships have the power to enrich our lives. Trusting, stable relationships connect us to ourselves and the world around us, as well as give us a sense of purpose. In fact, research continues to demonstrate that people who are in connected relationships with others live longer, are more physically healthy, and experience more meaning and positivity in their lives (Waldinger & Schulz, 2023).

Psychological literature and research tend to focus mainly on romantic and familial relationships. Historically, friendships haven’t been given as much attention, but this doesn’t mean they are any less influential. Our friendships can be a profound source of joy, stability, and safety. When life gets hard, friends are the people many of us turn to first for comfort and support. Our friendships matter, which is why, when something goes south or there is a breach of trust, we can understandably experience deep pain.

What is a friendship betrayal?

Friendship betrayals are situations in which you experience a breach of trust, safety, or connection in your friendships. This can happen when a friend has violated a boundary, expectation (either spoken or unspoken), or moral code within the friendship. Friendship betrayals are subjective, meaning only the individuals involved in the friendship can decide whether they are experiencing one.

With that being said, even across a diverse range of situations and incidents, friendship betrayals often have similar characteristics and reactions, some of which include:

• A sense of shock, surprise, or bewilderment

• Intense feelings of hurt, pain, anger, sadness, disappointment, and/or grief

• A general sense of feeling disrespected

• Confusion about how to continue the friendship and a sense of stuckness

• Difficulty completing daily tasks and feelings of depression

How do you cope with friendship betrayal?

Coping with friendship betrayal starts with giving yourself permission to grieve it, and then moving through it at a pace that feels right for you. When there is a betrayal in a friendship, attention and care are often needed to address the understandable emotional distress. It can be confusing to know how to navigate such a challenging experience, especially because, as a society, we often don’t think of friendship betrayals as a source of grief. If you are currently navigating a friendship betrayal, consider the following guidelines and see if they resonate with you. Remember, these are guidelines, not rules. Ultimately, you are empowered to cope in ways that benefit you. 

Validate your feelings

There is no wrong way to feel when enduring a friendship betrayal. What matters most is giving yourself the space to consider what emotions you may be holding. Acknowledge your feelings and try not to judge them. You are in a complicated situation, and whatever you are feeling is understandable. 

Give yourself time to process

You do not need to rush into any decisions or solutions. In fact, it may be worthwhile to give yourself time to process what has happened and to be with your reactions and feelings. Eventually, you may have more clarity as to how you want to proceed with the friendship. 

Put concentrated effort into taking care of yourself

Giving yourself time to process might look like stepping away from the friendship, leaning on other supportive people, spending intentional time engaged in your hobbies and passions, spending time alone, or anything that comforts you. Friendship betrayals can mirror a breakup, where it feels like your world has stopped, and it can feel legitimately challenging to move through your daily tasks. Don’t beat yourself up if you need to prioritize your basic needs, such as sleep, movement, nutrition, or limiting social media engagement. 

Consider communicating with your friend

Although there are no hard and fast rules around what this needs to look like, it may be cathartic and beneficial to express what you are holding emotionally to the friend who has betrayed you. This can be done in any way you see fit—whether it’s on the phone, FaceTime, in person, or maybe even via text.

It may be useful to ask yourself, “What might help me move through this?” or “What am I needing right now?” From there, give yourself the chance to share what you’re feeling and thinking. Be patient with yourself; this may not be easy, and it may be difficult to articulate the gravity of what you’re experiencing. Don’t put excess pressure on yourself either. Having a conversation with the friend who hurt you isn’t mandatory, and it’s entirely possible you don’t have the capacity for it. That’s understandable too.

Decide how you want to proceed with the friendship

How you decide to proceed with the friendship is up to you. There are countless possibilities, which include ending the friendship indefinitely, giving the friendship and yourself time to heal and repair, continuing the friendship with limitations or boundaries, or anything in between. You don’t need to force yourself into quick decision-making, as, again, it’s important to give yourself time to process. Your decision also doesn’t have to be permanent; you can trust that your future self will adjust and cope as needed.

When evaluating the friendship, consider these reflection questions:

• Was this situation a one-off, or is it characteristic of the person I know? Does it make a difference?

• Do I have a sense as to whether I need space or communication?

• How does what happened fit within the greater context of the friendship?

• Do I think repair is possible?

• Do I have the capacity to communicate or interact with them at this time?

• How do I feel about my friend’s response in the aftermath of the situation?

• Will continuing the relationship add to my life, take away from it, or fall somewhere in between?

It’s okay if you don’t have the answers to these questions yet. Take your time and come back to them when you feel ready.

Closing thoughts

Our friendships can be meaningful forms of connection. Our genuine attachment to our friends can help carry us through life and can be an additional source of emotional nourishment. So, even though society doesn’t often recognize friendship betrayals as a form of grief, we need to acknowledge this experience for ourselves. By giving ourselves permission to grieve, process, and reflect, we can move forward in ways that honor both our relationships and our well-being.