A continuation of Melissa Prusko's article series on narcissism.
We are social beings that require connection. In fact, when we are born, the millisecond we are born, we require connection and dependence upon another to care for us and to keep us alive.
In that millisecond, attachment begins. And it continues throughout the lifespan. There are many ways I have heard attachment described: it is our template for relationships, it is how we connect, and it is our inner sense of security in this world. According to Dan Siegel, we can also look at it as three important processes: how we are seen, how we regulate our emotions, and how we feel safe.
Attachment is not just something that develops and we are stuck with. This is where the hope and beauty are – the way we learn to attach with others can change as we grow.
Ideally, we are seen for who we are: individuals. Ideally, we can regulate our emotions both by ourselves and with another if we reach out for support. Ideally, we feel safe with others, trust they will not harm us, and protect us if we are in danger.
Necessary Factors for Development of Trauma Bonds
What happens when those we are in connection with feel threatened that we are our own person? What happens when those we are in connection with harm us? What happens when the person who harms us also helps us feel better? Oftentimes a child can’t get their heads around the idea that a caregiver is harmful. Therefore, their brain finds a way to justify, rationalize, and explain away these incomprehensible behaviors.
This same cycle can play out in the context of adult relationships: we learn to be seen when used by another, we are soothed by the one who harmed us and only after they have harmed us and deemed it okay to come soothe us, and the abuser is the only one who can keep us safe despite them being the source of danger.
In their 1993 study testing the traumatic bonding theory, Dutton and Painter found that two factors, the imbalance of power and intermittent abuse, were the necessary ingredients for the development of a trauma bond. Just try to imagine for a moment what this must feel like internally: an emotional tornado. Your brain is both telling you to stay because the good time is coming, while also telling you to stay safe and protect – just “walk on eggshells.” To further complicate this, we do assume responsibility for the behavior of our partner. Why? We feel we are failing to do enough to obtain the reinforcement – here, that is the love, affection, and care.
Traumatic Bonding Theory
In 1981, Dutton and Painter first wrote about traumatic bonding theory, which they described as the emotional attachment that develops from intermittent abuse. If you recall from the initial installments about narcissism, I wrote about how narcissists intermittently reinforce us, just like slot machines – you never know when you will be reinforced, you just know it is coming. The important component to understand is that when it comes to behavior, reinforcement just means the increased likelihood that we will do a behavior in the future. Intermittent just references the frequency with which we are reinforced. When it is intermittent, there is no rhyme or reason as to when we receive the reinforcement, we just know that at some point it will happen. It is this intermittent cycle of abuse followed by love and affection that is the strongest form of reinforcement of behavior and, therefore, the hardest to break.
The occasional payouts a person receives in a narcissistic relationship become the rationalization for the entire relationship. For instance, a victim of narcissistic abuse may fondly remember that amazing hiking trip they took with their narcissistic partner where everything was absolutely wonderful, and that single “jackpot” may become the rationalization for a thousand other instances of verbal abuse and invalidation. When we can understand this, we can understand why it is so hard to leave abusive relationships. It is also my hope that this is where we can have compassion for those that find themselves stuck in relationships, they both want to leave yet truly cannot. It is important to note here that this type of bond can happen to anyone regardless of attachment strategy or history of relationships – we are all susceptible to being traumatically bonded to someone.
Simply put, a trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment that is created from an imbalance of power and control in a relationship. While we often hear this term in relation to individuals who are in a relationship with a narcissist, however, it can exist in any abusive and traumatic relationship where there is both an imbalance of power and intermittent abuse. If you read the first installments about narcissism, you may recall that I wrote that many of these behaviors in isolation do not make a narcissist. Similarly, one instance of poor treatment does not make an abusive pattern and trauma bond. For example, the first lie our partner says, we may ignore – we may write it off because it may be followed by deeply expressed regret and promises to be better. However, the lies keep happening followed by more regret and promises of “never again” or it is followed by “It wasn’t that bad!” and so on and so on. The situations continue and/or become more egregious always followed by regret and promises. This can be the beginning of a very insidious and destructive pattern of abuse followed by contrition. Over time, the abuse worsens, the abused may be blamed, the abuser is very sorry, and then there is much love and affection. As insidious as that pattern begins, the trauma bond may develop before anyone is the wiser. In fact, one may not even realize there is a trauma bond until after leaving a relationship. Dutton and Painter (1993) found that even 10 months post-relationship end, the trauma bond was still strong.
An important realization to keep in mind is that as complex humans, our relationship dynamics and attachments are learned patterns. As previously stated, this patterned behavior in abuse is intermittent, and thus the strongest and most resistant to change – this is why it can take so long for individuals to leave narcissistic relationships as well as for people to heal once they leave.
What To Do
So, what can you do to break the trauma bond within a narcissistic relationship? First, make every effort to educate yourself as to what a trauma bond is and, with compassion, understand how it can serve to keep you stuck in an unhealthy relationship. Second, it can be so difficult to name what is happening to us as abuse, however, this may be a necessary step. We need to know, as best we can, what we are working with to heal. Third, and contrary to societal narratives suggesting that if we just love someone enough, they will change, we cannot love an abuser into loving us and changing. These are just the initial steps as this process can be very overwhelming as the realization of what has been really happening to you sets in. Please be kind to yourself.
If this describes you or someone you know, please extend grace and patience – you or they are caught in an invisible spider web. Please know you are not alone and getting out of the web is entirely possible – with time, understanding of what happened, new learning, and reclaiming yourself. Stay tuned for the next installment where I discuss trauma and grief therapy specific to extracting yourself from the invisible web. It is possible, and you are worth it.
