Rebecca Coopersmith, LCSW, CSE
For some folks, the idea of talking about sex with their therapist is unthinkable. It makes us vulnerable and we swim in a soup of negative messages about sex: “it’s dirty,” “it’s wrong,” “we don’t talk about that,” and my personal favorite, “good girls don’t do that.” We’re self-conscious at best, and shameful at worst. The idea of even broaching the possibility of not being good at sex is beyond the pale, as though somehow people magically mature into sexual prowess. So we avoid it. And we avoid it and avoid it until it can be avoided no longer.
In her book, “Why Good Sex Matters,” sex researcher Nan Wise simply and succinctly writes, “sex is important for overall physical and emotional well-being.” Yet we go to therapy in the hopes of improving our emotional well-being and leave out a critical piece of not only our well-being, but what it means to be human. Our sexuality, including asexuality, can be a defining feature of our experience. Some would go so far as to say that sexual empowerment has a ripple effect throughout one’s life.
And if the potential to empower yourself and those around you doesn’t convince you, maybe this idea will: problems in our sex lives offer insight into our emotional wellbeing and vice versa. When we’re not feeling well emotionally, our sex lives can be impacted. Emotional struggles contribute to sexual dysfunction, decreased desire, or even recklessness and impulsivity in sexual behavior. Furthermore, sexual distress can negatively impact emotional wellbeing.
So next time you talk to your therapist, consider proceeding bravely and talking about sex. A therapist who specializes in sexual health can also help you make sense of your own sexual history and health, treat sexual challenges, and navigate your relationship with your sexuality. You will feel vulnerable. It will be nerve-wracking. But you deserve to be treated as a whole - including, especially your sexuality.
