How to Disagree with Kindness

Disagreements — whether at work, at home, with friends, or with roommates — are a normal and natural part of life and relationships. In fact, when managed effectively, disagreements can benefit and strengthen relationships by improving communication, promoting a greater understanding of another’s perspective, and even fostering greater trust in the relationship. The question is, if we — and by extension our relationships — can benefit from disagreements, why is it so hard for us to be in conflict with those we care about? My hope is to provide you with some strategies to approach disagreements more effectively so that you can reap the benefits and build resilience in both your relationships and with yourself. 

It’s important to remember that disagreements are going to happen. Disagreement can be a means of communicating dissatisfaction or differences of opinion while also signaling that something is very important to you. Disagreement also presents opportunities for improving self-expression and honing interpersonal skills by encouraging open dialogue. This, of course, is where it can get tricky, especially when the disagreement is about something that’s important or has real-world consequences or outcomes for you and for the person with whom you disagree.

Use “I” Statements 

Part of disagreeing begins with being able to effectively (and respectfully!) communicate your opinion or stance. We do this most effectively when using what therapists around the world call the “I” statement: a communication skill that can help you express feelings, thoughts, or needs without blaming or criticizing the other person. “I” statements typically start with “I,” followed by a description of how the speaker feels, an explanation of the situation that triggered the feeling, and an assertive request about what the speaker needs or would like to happen. Here’s the formula: 

“I feel ..., when ....,” followed by, “It would be helpful if ....,” or “Would you mind if ...” or “I was hoping we could ...” 

So instead of saying, “You are a bad parent for letting Sally eat snacks close to bedtime,” you might instead say, “I worry about Sally’s nutrition and quality of sleep when she’s given snacks so close to bedtime. Would you mind if we limited her snacks to at least an hour before we begin her bedtime routine?”

“I” statements not only help us communicate our needs and increase the likelihood that our needs will be understood, but they also help reduce defensiveness in the listener and lead to more constructive conversations about the topic at hand. When using “I” statements, it’s important to be as direct and specific as you can without losing the respect you have for the other person or the situation at hand. Give yourself a moment to take a breath or reflect on what you want to say if needed. Remaining cool, calm, and collected helps you articulate your needs clearly and increases the chances that your needs and request will be understood by the listener. 

Acknowledge Others’ Point of View through Active Listening and Validation 

A fundamental part of disagreeing, and communicating in general, is having the ability to understand the perspective of another person. The popular expression, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak,” emphasizes the importance of active listening, suggesting that we should prioritize understanding before speaking. We all know how good it feels when we’re heard and understood, so keeping this in mind when we’re in disagreement can help us to remember to actually listen to the opinions of the other person so that we can show them the same respect we’d like to receive ourselves.  

You can show that you’re actively listening by maintaining eye contact, watching your body language, and putting away any distractions. You want to avoid eye rolling, sighing, or interrupting the speaker. One model of therapy, Dialectical and Behavioral Therapy, talks about having a half-smile and willing hands as a way to open up your body posture and signal to your brain that things are okay. This tool can be especially helpful in disagreement if you’re feeling distressed, as there’s research to suggest it helps you regulate emotions and reminds your brain and body that you’re not in danger, while also reducing anger and frustration. Beyond the individual benefits for yourself, this stance might also communicate to whomever it is you’re speaking that you’re open and ready to hear more from them.

To practice: sit down in a chair with your feet on the floor to keep yourself grounded. Put your hands on your lap, ensuring your palms are facing the ceiling, and then slowly form a slight curl in your lips (Mona Lisa style). Hold this pose for one minute. Once you get the hang of it, you can try incorporating this strategy when in disagreement. 

Importantly, you can understand a differing perspective without agreeing with it or taking that perspective on as your own. Understanding another person’s point of view or need does not mean you have to agree with it or think they’re right — it simply means you recognize their experience as valid and shows that you’re willing to try and understand more about their position. One way of acknowledging a perspective that’s different than your own is to summarize in your own words what you’ve heard the speaker say. I often tell the couples with whom I work that a marker of effective listening is when you’re able to reflect to the speaker what you’ve heard and for the speaker to say, “Yes, that’s exactly it. You’ve got it!” This can be an effective strategy in disagreements because it communicates that you took the time to listen to their side of things, can understand it in your own way, and can hold more than one perspective at once — even if it’s different than your own. If you want to take it a step further, simple validation of the speaker’s feelings can go a long way (e.g., “You must have felt concerned when I didn’t show up to the meeting as expected.”).

All said, sometimes we don’t fully get what the other person is saying. If this is the case, don’t be afraid to clarify with questions if needed (e.g., “Can you tell me more about what it’s like for you when Lucinda and I play music after we come home from the bars?”). Asking for new information shows that you’re engaged and not just waiting for your turn to speak to oppose their position.  

Have a Plan to Disagree and a Plan to Recover 

Disagreements are bound to happen in any relationship. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research indicates that for romantic partnerships, about two-thirds of relationship problems are unsolvable or can result in gridlock. Notably, the thing that sets healthier relationships apart from others is the way in which the couple communicates about the longstanding problems in their relationship. Those couples who operate with respect and acceptance have a better shot at softening the hurt around the problem so that the problem becomes less of a pain point in the relationship. Moreover, couples who have developed strategies for managing disagreements in their relationship are often better off.

Here are a few ideas: 

• Define the Problem: Have you ever been in an argument with someone and then suddenly found yourselves arguing about two different things at once? This tends to happen when the problem or conflict hasn’t been clearly defined. You should be able to clearly agree on the problem you are trying to solve before moving on to any problem solving. 
• Brainstorm: Once the problem has been defined, one strategy is to brainstorm a list of potential solutions. Here, the idea is to come up with as many solutions as possible without judging the effectiveness of the proposed solutions. This is meant to be a collaborative process between you and the other person. Once you’ve created a list of all the possible solutions you can, eliminate any of the proposed solutions that seem silly or unworkable.  
• Compromise: Discuss the pros and cons of all the workable solutions. Here, your active listening and speaking skills (remember those “I” statements) will be helpful as you discuss each idea and seriously consider how it may help you to find a resolution. In an ideal world, you’d get everything you want, but in a good enough world, you’ll pick an option that both people are okay with, which is likely not the ideal outcome for either of you.  
• Follow-up: A marker of effective problem solving is being able to follow-up on how the chosen solution is working for you. I often recommended scheduling a time in the not-so-distant future (think 1–2 weeks) to get together and talk about any changes that need to be made and to check-in with each other about how things are going.
• Take Breaks: It’s okay if you need to take a break from time to time. Disagreements can be stressful, and if you feel like you’re unable to communicate effectively or find yourself getting off topic, this is a good sign that you may be emotionally flooded and could benefit from taking some time to calm down. It is of upmost importance to use “I” statements in this moment (e.g., “I’m having a hard time staying on track, and it would be helpful for me to take break to collect my thoughts.”) and to make a plan to come back and discuss the issue again. It is integral to communicate that the break does not mean the conversation is over. This strategy usually works best when both parties have aligned on a plan for how breaks can be used as an effective communication strategy. 
• Remember the We: Instead of, “You did X to me,” see if you can move into a place of, “We’re having difficulties/problems with X.” This helps remove blame or criticism from “you” or “me” onto the problem itself. Externalizing the problem in this way encourages you to work together against the problem rather than work against each other.
• Offer Appreciation: Acknowledging each other’s attempts at resolving the disagreement can go a long way in fostering mutual respect and building trust in the relationship. Appreciating the efforts each of you are making shows that you value the other person and their attempts at strengthening the relationship. 

Put It Into Practice

Knowing how to disagree with respect and kindness is an important skill that benefits you and your community at large. When you’re able to calmly and clearly communicate your position with respect to your own values and needs, without attacking or blaming, you’re respecting not only yourself but the other person. Similarly, when you take the steps to understand and listen to perspectives that are different than your own, you’re not only creating opportunities for personal growth by confronting your own biases and beliefs, but you’re also showing others that you care about their values and needs as well. Disagreements are not something to be afraid of, but rather an opportunity to grow from.

Happy disagreeing!