Tips of the Month — Couples

Finding yourself and your partner on the brink of a spat? First check how long since either of you have eaten. We all know how easy it is to be grumpy when we’re hungry. Indeed, there’s a connection between our mood and the level of blood sugar — glucose — in the body.

For a great many couples with children, it isn’t the spouse who’s most valued — it’s the kids. At least within the middle and upper-middle-class, today’s couples tend to place kids at the top of the priority ladder, with the partner relationship landing in second or even third place (behind career). Many of us pay lip service to the importance of our marriage, but the great amounts of time, energy, and financial resources we devote to the youngsters betray those words.

Who among us doesn’t sometimes say the wrong thing or act in a way that triggers — even accidentally — a spouse’s hurt feelings? And who among us, after a misstep, doesn’t want to be forgiven? We want our partner to move on without harboring ill will. Research has found that an authentic apology increases the likelihood of being forgiven, and reduces feelings of anger in the “injured” spouse.

What trips up couples? Poor communication, overworked spouses, the stress of raising children, financial pressures — these are what typically come to mind. But one culprit often goes unmentioned: a partner’s history of childhood sexual abuse. Some studies estimate that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men have been subjected to sexual abuse as youngsters.

How busy do you keep yourself? Very busy? Crazy busy? Insanely busy? Nowadays we’re almost always busy. We boast about it as a point of pride — so much achievement and productivity!

“We love each other. We have a good relationship. But there’s not much happening in the bedroom.”

We have two brains — one that can get us into trouble, and one that can get us out.

“Just as there are no great achievements without setbacks, there are no great relationships without conflicts and problems along the way.”*