Parents: Don't be Friends with Your Kids

Many parents have been seduced by the appealing but dangerous notion of parent-as-friend. The generation gap that existed forty or fifty years ago has narrowed as parents have adopted youthful ways of dress, of lifestyle, of thinking, making the demarcation between generations harder to find nowadays — and making it easier to pursue the idea of friendship with our kids. One survey found that 44% of mothers believe “it’s a good idea to treat your kids as friends.”¹

To many people, friendship means that nobody is in charge — the relationship is egalitarian. With kids, this can lead to a kind of family anarchy: nobody’s setting the limits that children require. (Friends don’t tend to set limits.) Nobody’s imposing appropriate discipline. (Friends don’t discipline friends.)

To many people, friendship means that we avoid rocking the relationship boat. With kids, this can lead to parents backing down or softening their stance when the kids express upset with them, or when the kids temporarily withdraw their love. “I hate you!” declares an angry child. Such words need not rattle us, unless it’s friendship we’re after.

To many people, friendship means sharing confidences, being open about our feelings and our challenges. With kids, this can lead to an inappropriate degree of parental disclosure. Of course, we want our kids to feel safe confiding in us, but studies have found that they feel burdened when we disclose too much to them, especially distressing or personal information they don’t need to know. We want our children to see us as people with feelings and challenges, but that must be done mindfully. For instance, a father who says “I’m feeling sad lately since my best friend moved away” conveys his humanity and models a healthy expression of emotion while a father who says, “My company might lay me off and I’m afraid I may not be able to pay our bills” only promotes a child’s fear about the family’s welfare.

Parents can build close relationships with their children without promoting friendship. How do we know if we’re crossing the line between close relationship and too-close friendship? Start by reflecting on these tough questions: Do I soften my authority-figure stance in order to avoid my son or daughter’s upset or anger with me? Do I like the idea of being my child’s friend? Do I need something from him or her that I should be seeking elsewhere? Might my relationship with my kids be giving me more than it’s giving them?

With the parental “voice” competing nowadays with so many other influences, it’s more important than ever that we speak clearly and with authority — as a parent and not as a friend.