Power and Money
The good news is that marriages have become more balanced in the past thirty years. In surveys conducted in both 1980 and 2000, wives were less happy than husbands at both points in time, but the happiness gap has decreased over that time.1
Yet men’s earning advantage can remain a stumbling block for couples when money becomes the basis by which men tilt the balance in their favor. (Women can be complicit in this if they, too, believe that money carries greater value than other ways partners contribute to their shared life.)
What to do? Keep in mind that strong relationships cannot thrive on money alone, and that salary is just one of many resources that partners bring to a relationship. Consider all the resources that you and your partner contribute, such as: Sense of humor (isn’t it wonderful when one spouse has a knack for getting the couple laughing?); Patience (isn’t it helpful when the more patient spouse doesn’t grow quickly agitated or restless with the less patient spouse?); Good organizational skills (isn’t it an advantage when the house runs smoothly, or vacation planning and execution come off without a hitch?); Love of cooking (aren’t we enriched when we sit down together for home-cooked meals?). And what about a particular knack with the children, or a generous way with affection, or a forgiving nature with the difficult in-laws? These and so many other personal resources are what spouses contribute to a relationship … and can be as or more valuable than dollars in promoting a happy married life.
In our capitalistic and consumer-oriented culture, money tends to grab the resource spotlight, but we don’t have to let it be that way.
“A woman gains power … if [her husband] clearly places high value on her company, or if he expresses a high demand or need for what she supplies … If his need for her and high value for her remain covert and unexpressed, her power will be low.”2
For marriage to enjoy a balance of power, all the important resources need to be identified and brought into conversation. Talk together about the whole array, about everything each partner contributes to enrich the relationship. Don’t let money hog the spotlight.
1 Amato, Paul R., et al. “Continuity and Change in Marital Quality Between 1980 and 2000.” Journal of Marriage and Family. 2003, 65 (1):1-22.
2 Cancian, Francesca. “Gender Politics: Love and Power in the Private and Public Spheres.” In Gender and the Life Course. A. Rossi, editor. (Hawthorn, NY: Aldine, 1985).