Teach Your Kids How to Fight the Right Way

If you're a partnered parent, call the children into the room the next time the two of you slip into an argument. "Kids, we're having an argument and we want you to watch, listen and learn."

If this suggestion sends shivers down your spine, know you're in good company. "We try not to fight in front of the kids" are words uttered by tens of millions of moms and dads.

Truth is, few of us are proud of our conflict resolution skills. Few of us feel confident that we "fair fight" the way we should — respectfully, and in a way that produces a positive outcome. That's why we try to do it behind closed doors, or when the kids are out of earshot. Problem is, how will children learn to fight effectively if they're not watching us do it the right way?

So if you're not quite ready to hustle the kids into a front row seat when you and your partner go at it, resolve this year to do something about it. Resolve to read a book, take a class or meet with a relationship counselor for the express purpose of fine-tuning your fair fighting skills. Think of it as a gift to the children that will pay dividends throughout their lifetimes — not to mention a gift to yourself.

In the meantime, start now showing the kids that you:

• Avoid swearing at each other during an argument. (Obscenity — whether aimed at one another or not — raises the emotional pitch of the argument, and that makes it harder for the logical mind to operate at its best. Good outcomes rely on the logical mind.)
• Avoid words that insult or diminish ("You idiot!" "You're crazy!")
• Avoid acts or gestures of physical aggression (like punching the wall, or, worse, hitting each other). Physical aggression always triggers fear, and fear scrambles the logical mind.
• Don't "hit below the belt," saying things you know touch a particularly tender and painful nerve in your spouse, triggering an emotional meltdown.
• Say "foul" if your partner violates these guidelines, and either start over again or take a time-out.
• Agree to disagree if you can't resolve the matter; show the kids that arguments don't always need a "winner."
• End the argument on a positive note — a hug, a handshake, at least a smile (see Family Tip of the Month — May 2010). To the kids, a positive ending matters most of all (and they learn not to be afraid of conflict.)