Being Honest is Hard, But Necessary

Is the relationship too flat and lifeless, lacking vitality? Maybe you’re not telling the truth often enough.

Most of us hate to make waves; we strive to avoid conflict, even mild friction. In our determination to keep tension to a minimum, we step away from being honest when we suspect that honesty might agitate otherwise calm waters. Here are some ways we step away from honesty:

• Instead of talking about something troubling us, we avoid it.
• Instead of addressing something our spouse brings to our attention, we maneuver away from the main point.
• We conveniently omit information that would be relevant or of interest to our spouse.
• We focus on a lesser part of an issue instead of the more serious (and difficult) part.
• We cut short conversations by allowing our defensiveness, or our display of anger, to distract from the real issue.
• We deliver the silent treatment to avoid dealing with something.

Even when we’re not the partner perpetrating avoidance, we may be an accomplice. When we knowingly go along with the aforementioned tactics — allowing ourselves to be distracted from the main point, ignoring our radar’s signals that something doesn’t quite feel right, failing to return to an issue after the hijacking by anger or upset — we become an accomplice to the dishonesty.

Assess the measure of honesty in your relationship. If you and your partner often step away from truth telling, ask yourselves:

• Why aren’t we more open and honest with one another?
• What are we afraid will happen if we were?
• What price does our relationship pay by being less than honest?

Often the price is a kind of relationship apathy or boredom. That’s because, as all couples know, truth telling can make waves. One of us may hear something unexpected and unsettling, triggering debate or distress and sometimes frightening levels of emotion, perhaps even challenging our sense of relationship security. But making waves — when respectfulⁱ partners spar with one another respectfully — infuses energy and aliveness. Delivering honesty can unleash the vitality that over time gets lost if we customarily settle for the calm of too-still waters.